Autobiography

where i used to be

Rhea Austere, 2007, digital

Rhea Austere, 2007, digital

i was going to write some details about me, like the artist bio i already have, but somehow it doesn’t seem right for this.

in the fading moments of October 2013, i became feverish. i thought the fever would pass quickly, since i am not one to fall ill. but it didn’t, i remained sick for the entire month of November.

if you are a student you probably understand that November is not a good time to be sick… and i was in my first semester of university music study as practically a beginner.

a beginner classical singer with severe stage fright and low self esteem. it was all part of this plan i had to overcome stage fright, low self esteem and crippling perfectionism.

my illness combined with other issues (my car broke down when i lived across town from school, my boyfriend got sick also, my landlord was hoarding cats, and more) made me crash. the trajectory my 26 year old life was on screeched to a halt, stopping short and throwing me headlong into a muck of depression.

i lost my job, i lost my financial aid, i lost what little will to live i had. i had just started enjoying working in IT at the university, i trained in EEG studies, i was performing dance and music again, and it all fell away.

for the first few months, i spent time planning my suicide.  ive been suicidal since childhood, but i’ve always been able to think my way out of it, usually by making some kind of plan. but when i lost my financial aid, my plans simply ran out.

finishing school had been my last plan.

luckily i have people in my life who truly care for me and supported me so i didn’t end up dead. they are still helping put me back together. i am so grateful to everyone who shows me kindness.

im not sure how im going to raise myself out of where i am. i do think though that im meant to be here for now.

perfectionists love to make plans. anxious people love plans too. our plans are detailed, intricate, flourished, filigreed. then they fall, crushing us with disappointment, the shame of failure, the unbearable uncertainty. and we have to start over with a new invincible plan. i’ve decided not to do that this time. im without a real plan. im just resting and gently digging in the sand of my psyche letting things come up.

hopefully i will learn to be kind to myself, how to let people help me and find out how i got here and before i know it, this place will be behind me.

that’s where i am. ❤

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One thought on “where i used to be

  1. Thanks for letting your readers in on your truth and vulnerability. I love when people completely let you in to see, I don’t take that lightly believe me. I am so happy your not dead and believe me your here for a reason we all are. Everyone is on a journey to find the reason but just know that it is one. I have been through some very strange things in my life and I to was considering suicide when I was much younger but like you my thoughts help me out of it. I decided that being dead was definitely not the answer. I am glad that I kept moving because I figured out some unbelievable things. Its was hard and made me tired but I just trusted that all of my struggles could not be in vain. I decided to be brave and write an autobiography because I figured someone may benefit. Its not published yet but I provide a series of short stories while my readers wait. if you have time visit ShanayaNour.com. I like your blog and will follow you to continue having a view inside your world.

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