I have to go because the people I like and admire, we can’t be friends. They think ill of me and I don’t blame them. In order for things to be safe, people like me have to go. That’s ok. I’m fine playing Rorschach making everyone hate me. When you’re hated, the bitterness and fear become very worth it, because you are railing for a reason.
Safe spaces aren’t safe when I’m in them. I’m old school damaged by old school things. I don’t want toys or self-care makeovers and bathbombs. I want to walk down the street and for men to leave me alone. I want to bring a girl into a world where being pretty and fuckable is literally not a thing. Like if you showed her all the accoutrements of womaninity she’d not understand it. If you told her she “deserved to feel beautiful” she’d ask innocently why feeling beautiful is necessary or desirable.
That makes people cry because the new feminism is just choosing to like being pretty and fuckable, opening fuckability to every class of woman so disabled, fat and elderly women can enjoy the privilege of sexualization. And I am genuinely sorry that it repulses me, that I find it vile. I’m sorry that this new feminism just reinforces everything that hurts me, that it has no room for me, the woman with no gender in her brain, just shoved in every hole.
Obviously if I were to do anything politically constructive, what I would construct would conflict with that of other women my age and class… we want different worlds. We conceive of liberation in opposite ways: they want more glittery pink choices rooted in sexism/genderism while I want the cliché patriarch’s boot off my throat. I don’t want his plastic and hollow choices no matter how abundant they are.
Hauswife or whore. Vanilla or kink. Butch or femme. Modest covered devout religious girl or sexy uncovered liberated atheist girl. Red lipstick or pink. Twerking or ballet. Bikini or burqua. Lady in the streets or freak in the sheets. Curvy or fit. I want him to leave me alone and leave other women alone. But if men left women alone there would be no “men.” This horrible dominating sexualized way men treat women is the basis of gender.
I don’t want gender in or around me because it is psychosocially and politically violent. The new feminism has loaded it with the poison of neoliberalism. Class analysis now is transphobic and taboo. Everyone bounces around in their personal identity bubble flippant of any group consequence. Every day a new gender is created to mask the destructiveness of their parents: the male and female genders and their hierarchical relations. These are things that cannot be spoken of in serious feminist spaces. In fact no serious discussion happens in feminist spaces it’s either insisting everyone must like Beyoncé or finding the TERF.
I tried my best, sorry to whoever I hurt/pissed off/irritated/disappointed.