From Cybele

something is going on

I remember seeing weightloss before and after pics when I was a kid. My entire childhood I never weighed more than 110 pounds which is considered underweight by BMI standards (I’m 5’6″)… don’t worry nobody cared that I was so small, it wasn’t a public health crisis. In the before and after pics you’d see a lady on one side who weighed about as much as I do now (160-170 lbs) and on the other side she was down to my childhood size of 110 or so. That was considered a weightloss success story in 2001.

In the years between then and now I’ve become interested in bariatrics from many perspectives, both the humanities and physical sciences. Reading bariatrics research and scruntinizing Internet peoples’ attitudes towards fat/weight/fitness/food has become my pastime. So I end up seeing a lot of weightloss before and after pics. Let me tell you: something is going on.

Now on one side of the picture there will be a lady who is about 250-300 lbs and on the other side she is down to my current adult size (again 160-170). That is a weightloss success story in 2016. R/fatlogic will say within a period of a decade or two people have become so additionally lazy, ignorant and hungry for Cheetos that they’ve physiologically blown up. I’m not sure that’s feasible. There isn’t that much extra time in a day to eat that many more cupcakes. How many extra cupcakes does a 2016 woman have to eat per day to be twice as large as a 2001 woman? 3? 30? 300? Idk

Of course I could be wrong and people are not getting bigger. I could be wrong about a lot of things but I think something is going on.



From Cybele

give me a real choice

Think about it like this. If you’re a woman think about the biggest practical problem in your life. If you’re not a woman think about the biggest problems women you know have. Maybe you have some kind of a mental issue you need help with, you’re a perfectionist. Or you’re pathologically passive and let people walk all over you. Maybe you’re a single mom and you’re having trouble watching/raising your kids and holding down a job to feed them. Maybe you’re in a dysfunctional relationship with a parent, a spouse, lover, friend. Is your boss an asshole to you or are they lazy and undirected? Maybe you’re fat and you always wanted to run fast but you can’t find a decent bra. You can’t find the time or courage to do things you want to. Your house is a mess. Every woman has problems like these. Some of our practical problems are just trying to avoid injustice and physical violence on a day to day basis. Some of our practical problems have to do with money and socioeconomic concerns. Some of them concern split ends and hangnails. They’re all valid problems.

Now think about how easily you can solve these problems. If you have a health problem like a physical disability or diabetes or chronic pain etc how easy is it for you to get to the doctor, convince the doctor you have an actual health issue, get medication, get physical therapy and whatever else you need to lead a somewhat normal life?

If you have a mental problem how easy is it for you to get talk therapy, CBT, DBT, access to prescribing psychiatrists that you need? How easy is it to get time off from work when you’re not well?

If you’re homeless how easy is it for you to get settled in a home?

If you’re a mom how easy is it for you to get trustworthy, kind appropriate childcare, time to rest, prenatal care, food for your children, decent schooling?

If you’re fat how easy it for you to get yourself anywhere without someone making a comment about your body, what you should eat and why you’re fat? How easy is it to find clothes and undergarments and chairs that fit you?

If you’re a child how easy is it for you to get help if your parents/guardians are abusing their power over you?

If you’re an adolescent how easy is it for you to get information and support about your concerns for the future, your sexuality/reproduction, your social life and anything else that is bothering you?

There are a million other questions like this because we all have different needs and there is a veritable rainbow of kinds of women. Really think about how easy it is to get these solutions to women’s problems.

After you’ve really truly and deeply thought about those things I want you to think about some different things you might get instead:

How easy is it for you to get porn?

How easy is it for you to get lipstick?

How easy is it for you to get a thong?

I’m not everyone and I’m pretending to be. But I can get those 3 things really easily for <$10. The first two I don’t even have to drive anywhere to get, I can get them from the gas station within walking distance from my house. If it’s easier for you to get the solutions to your most pressing problems than it is for you to get lipstick, God bless you.

If I give a homeless woman $5 she’s nowhere near getting safe housing. To get a house you need thousands of dollars, a steady job, references and good credit. You need time to fight with banks, realtors and owners. But she can take a bus to the Dollar General and buy a few thongs for empowerment/self-care/job-opportunity  purposes. There is absolutely no barrier to entry for sexualization… every body is up for grabs.

So my question is why is it so easy for me, as a woman, to get porn and lipstick and so hard for me to get solutions to my actual problems? Why are the accoutrement of female sexualization so cheap and accessible, but help for a mom is so fucking complicated and expensive? Why is it okay for a woman to be unhealthy, sick, insomniac, suicidal, chain smoker as long as she’s thin (read:sexy!!!) but if she was all of those things and additionally fat (read:ugly) then suddenly it’s a national public health problem?

What if there was a place within walking distance from my house where I could get a running bra or birth control or therapy or nonviolent crisis assistance for <$10?

That would be a lot closer to freedom than my current sexualized “freedom.”

That’s all I’m saying.




From Cybele


I have to go because the people I like and admire, we can’t be friends. They think ill of me and I don’t blame them. In order for things to be safe, people like me have to go. That’s ok. I’m fine playing Rorschach making everyone hate me. When you’re hated, the bitterness and fear become very worth it, because you are railing for a reason.

Safe spaces aren’t safe when I’m in them. I’m old school damaged by old school things. I don’t want toys or self-care makeovers and bathbombs. I want to walk down the street and for men to leave me alone. I want to bring a girl into a world where being pretty and fuckable is literally not a thing. Like if you showed her all the accoutrements of womaninity she’d not understand it. If you told her she “deserved to feel beautiful” she’d ask innocently why feeling beautiful is necessary or desirable.

That makes people cry because the new feminism is just choosing to like being pretty and fuckable, opening fuckability to every class of woman so disabled, fat and elderly women can enjoy the privilege of sexualization. And I am genuinely sorry that it repulses me, that I find it vile. I’m sorry that this new feminism just reinforces everything that hurts me, that it has no room for me, the woman with no gender in her brain, just shoved in every hole.

Obviously if I were to do anything politically constructive, what I would construct would conflict with that of other women my age and class… we want different worlds. We conceive of liberation in opposite ways: they want more glittery pink choices rooted in sexism/genderism while I want the cliché patriarch’s boot off my throat. I don’t want his plastic and hollow choices no matter how abundant they are.

Hauswife or whore. Vanilla or kink. Butch or femme. Modest covered devout religious girl or sexy uncovered liberated atheist girl. Red lipstick or pink. Twerking or ballet. Bikini or burqua. Lady in the streets or freak in the sheets. Curvy or fit. I want him to leave me alone and leave other women alone. But if men left women alone there would be no “men.” This horrible dominating sexualized way men treat women is the basis of gender.

I don’t want gender in or around me because it is psychosocially and politically violent. The new feminism has loaded it with the poison of neoliberalism. Class analysis now is transphobic and taboo. Everyone bounces around in their personal identity bubble flippant of any group consequence. Every day a new gender is created to mask the destructiveness of their parents: the male and female genders and their hierarchical relations. These are things that cannot be spoken of in serious feminist spaces. In fact no serious discussion happens in feminist spaces it’s either insisting everyone must like Beyoncé or finding the TERF.

I tried my best, sorry to whoever I hurt/pissed off/irritated/disappointed.

From Cybele

thanks for the follows


cyb & thai

Thanks for all the likes and follows. I posted a selection of my recent and not recent facebook work yesterday morning (suddenly it was 0300 and I was flabbergasted) and I wont be posting more tonight. Feel free to comment on my work whether you like it or not. I’ll be moving these next three days and I have something from Courtney to look at. Have a pitcher of me and Thai instead.